Looking Back is to Move Forward - Young Moo Lee
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Looking Back is to Move Forward: Faith
is Not Exception
Young Moo Lee
October 19, 2015
I often see around myself, or in the history, of the cases in
which people fail to reflect on their past and thus repeat failures. George
Santayana, a Spanish-American philosopher, once said “those who cannot
remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” The first and
foremost reason the House of Yi in Joseon suffered humiliating defeat and
disgrace twice by Japan is that the leaders could not remember their past or
implement a creative measure. Yu Songnyong, a distinguished scholar and
politician in the period the Japanese invasion of Korea (1592-1598), wrote a
book titled "Jingbirok" (The book of Corrections) that records all
the major events of the war and key individuals involved in it. As he expressed
clearly in the book, the purpose of his writing was: "I will try to
correct the mistakes of the past in order to prevent disasters in the
future". But, politicians including
kings after the crisis didn't heed it
seriously enough and didn't look back. Consequence of forgetting the past was
abysmal. 300 years later, Joseon suffered even more shameful event, perhaps the
worst one in her history. We cannot let that history to repeat itself for the
third time, which may be in such an unimaginable form, can we? We need to
reflect on our history, and motivate ourselves again. The Korean War that broke
out on June 25, 1950 must not be repeated. We need our historical consciousness
and insight now, more than ever.
I believe our
faith cannot be an exception. For a right prayer, also for the maturity of our
faith and its sustainability, we need to continuously look back in time,
reflect on our mistakes, change and renew ourselves. I will elaborate this
assertion below.
Do the believers ever have doubts
on their prayers, such as being disappointed at their unanswered prayers, or
having no faith in their prayers? Another question, do we sustain the bliss
that we felt upon our salvation? What effort do we make to sustain such bliss?
Have we ever had the crisis of our faith? For a rather general question, do
people think that their present life is in a slump? Are their thoughts always
confused, unfocused, and drifting here and there? Are those people burdened
with too much information around them, or overwhelmed by the thought that they
have lost their roots or identities? Do they have many sad moments, and fail to
have an honest conversation with themselves of the past?
I think any man
often feel like their present life is in a slump, and any believer may
regularly experience doubts on his prayer or crisis of his faith. The rapidly
changing science technology makes many people feel like they are being left
behind. Some also ask themselves, “Who in the world
am I?” In some sense, it is normal to have
such thoughts. But dwelling on such thoughts may inhibit individual growth,
cause depression, or even diminish smiles and thereby accelerate aging. To
prevent and overcome these problems, we need to have some inspiration, make
creative thoughts and reflect upon ourselves. For such inspiration, creation,
and reflection, we must look back on our short past or the events that happened
a long time ago. Let’s ponder upon why recalling the
memories of the past can directly lead to self-growth, through some of
examples.
Before I continue, I would like to
note that I am writing this essay is to urge myself to act. I am aware that
many people have already realized what I am about to say, and that they already
think much ahead of me. I hope my essay can be read as a review for those people.
1. For a right
prayer – Do you remember your prayer in the
olden days? Do you remember if that prayer had been answered? If not, have you ever thought about why it
wasn’t answered? More
importantly, have you ever experienced an even better result, because of no
immediate answer was given for that prayer? When praying, people may face
common pitfalls: they may pray for a relief from their immediate crisis; they
may pray for the happiness and wealth for themselves and their families; they
may pray for their success, etc. If
someone only have prayers rooted in the prosperity gospel, is that person a
true believer? The prayer of a true believer is strictly differentiated from
the wish made to Genie in the lamp. We must not forget that our prayers are
made to God who is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent. We must remember that God foresees our faraway
future and works in us, while we cannot predict even a few minutes ahead of us.
Therefore all our prayers do not necessarily have to be answered immediately,
or at all. The immediate answer to our prayer may not be the best one for us in
a long run. I remember pastor Park Sang-Keun also had a sermon on this topic.
When the dynamics that bring the best result and profits for our true future ad
neighbors become the variable, in other word, when we do not know the big
picture of God, our careless prayers must inevitably go through the process of
filtering. I would like to cite from "Dolphin Tale 2" star Harry
Connick Jr. : “I think God is bigger than art and me and all of us, beyond
all of us […] When I pray, I don’t really pray for
anything, I just try to do God’s will and do it the best that I can.”
Although I have a
very short history of praying, I have looked back on my unanswered prayers
several year ago. Then I have realized that those prayers have been too
shortsighted and self-centered. The following couple of years had been
difficult, but God provided me with a much better result later on. So I
pondered upon how I can make a right prayer to omnipresent and omnipotent God,
again and again. Of course, if someone has already has a close relationship
with God, that person may share every story of him with God or ask for anything
as he would do to his own father. Therefore I would like to note that there may
be individual differences regarding the aforementioned right prayer.
Contemplating on such issue of prayer, shouldn’t we first
absolutely trust in the will and love of God, and dedicate our heart to our God
in all circumstances, instead of praying as if we make our wishes to Genie? I
found a poem, a prayer while I was searching for the answer to the right
prayer, and would like to share it with you. It is the 79th poem from “Fruit Gathering” by Rabindranth
Tagore.
Fruit Gathering (LXXIX)
Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless
in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain but for the heart to
conquer it.
Let me not look for allies in life's battlefield but to my own
strength
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved but hope for the
patience to win m
Grant me that I may not be a coward, feeling your mercy in my
success alone; but let me find the grasp of your hand in my failure.
This prayer of
Tagore is indeed different from a wish made to Genie. He only prays for the
strength, courage, and patience to overcome everything on his own. The last
verse especially is a prayer that penetrates deep into our hearts: "Let me
feel God’s
mercy in my success alone; but let me find the grasp of your hand in my
failure.” I believe that the prayer to
omnipresent and omnipotent God must resemble something like this. Tagore seems
to have understood the concept of Free Will. That is why he only prays for the
strength and courage to practice his own free will.
Tagore is a person
who made India known to the western world in the early 20th century. He is a unique Indian who
understood the core of Christianity and interacted with Christianity as much as
to earn reputation that he is a "Better Christian than Christians." Because he understood Christianity
properly, Tagore was able to make India known to the western world. Moreover,
he was the first Asian to receive the Nobel Prize in Literature. Tagore had not
been officially a Christian, but reading his poem cited above gives a glimpse
of his life which indeed resembles the life of a Christian.
I shared this
mature prayer of Tagore because it came up while I was reminiscing and
reflecting on my prayer in the past. It at least sounds like a meaningful
prayer to me
2. To sustain the
bliss of salvation forever – To Jews, the ancient memories provide
them a spiritual connection. The Exodus from Egypt was the biggest deliverance
for them, and they put forth every effort to remember that bliss because they
believe they will be doomed if they forget the grace of God the deliverer.
Therefore they do not just recite the Passover from the Old Testament during
the time of the Passover, but they also try to go back in time and reenact the
ancient life. To uphold the Old Testament that tells them to pass on the story
of Exodus, Jews celebrates the Passover and have the Passover feast called
Seder, including the unleavened bread, to remind themselves of the circumstance
of Exodus during that time. Not only
does it glorify God, but it also makes them remember that their freedom has not
been granted for free. That is how Jews recall their memories as the
emancipated nation. I am just amazed by their wisdom and action. As one can see
from their religious rituals and lives, looking back in time (reminiscing,
memories) is extremely important to Jews in terms of their spirituality. More
importantly, they continue to put forth their creative effort so that they
would not repeat their history of enslavement.
What about the bliss from my personal
salvation? There was the bliss indeed. However, it took over 40 years to feel
that salvation deep in my heart and acknowledge it in my mind. To remember that
salvation and grace, I left a detailed record and also a creative scientific
contemplation (“Heavenly Puzzle"). Trying to
solidify my faith through the life at church is yet another effort of mine to
sustain that bliss. I get my spiritual vision by traveling back to 40 years
ago, and witnessing my own salvation through the eyes of the past and future.
3. For the
neighbor – Apathy, or indifference, has become a
big social and religious problem nowadays. Pope Francis has recently noted, “we have fallen
into globalized indifference. We have become used to the suffering of others:
it doesn’t affect me; it
doesn’t concern me; it’s none of my
business.” In other words, people only care for “present time and
present place they are in,” more and more, without looking back or forth. They are
falling for self-adoration. This apathy
or indifference is indeed the action most against the Christianity, as
achieving a beautiful society of consideration with neighbors is the true
spirit of the Christianity. Unfortunately, empathy and kindness are fading
away. Moreover, many children grow up
without sympathizing parents and thereby become indifferent individuals. It is
sad that many Christians tend to follow such trends, instead of reversing
them.
How can we
eliminate the indifference the wealthy have toward the poor? Elie Wisel, who is an educator, philosopher,
and Nobel Laureate, once said, “Indifference is
the enemy of all effort to promote human dignity.” He also said, “Education and
compassion can fight and alleviate the indifference. But the most effective way
is to remember the past.” Remembering the
past means going back to the past years of hardship and comparing it to the
present self. Was there only joy in the
past? Was there any unfortunate moment then? Was everyone fallen into
narcissism? Was there anyone who cared about you? Pondering and contemplating
upon such questions lead to self-growth, because soon you realize that the joy
and happiness do not last forever. Then your perspective on the past and future
can change. The indifference may fade away during such process of
contemplation. We need to look back in time often to avoid ignoring our neighbors’ hardship.
4. To overcome
the crisis of the faith- As pastor Park Sang-Keun has said, we
must continue to put forth our diligent effort, in order to maintain and mature
our faith. The joy and grace we have once experience do not continue by
themselves. We would face many spiritual crises, as we sometime forget the joy
we had, go through an unexpected challenge, become dominated by the
once-restrained greed again before reaching the goal, or even fall into
temptation. Even after overcoming those crises, they will repeatedly come back
to you later again. The spiritual crisis exists as the common denominator among
the believers.
St. Augustine of
Hippo had also faced a serious spiritual crisis once. To overcome this crisis,
he goes back to the moment he converted to God for the first time, and leaves
his initial aspiration, ambition, and joy about God in his writing. He found
himself drifting away from his initial aspiration, so he went back to the past,
once again confirmed his purpose to correct his course, and moved forward
without breaking away.
How do we overcome
our spiritual crises? One way is to follow the path of St. Augustine. The first
step of overcoming the crisis is going back to the moment that we first
converted ourselves as Christians. It is to recall our first aspiration, our
future plan or our hope about our faith. Once we recognize when, how, and where
we began our journey of faith, we will surely be able to predict its future.
5. To communicate with the past truthfully – When you look back, you will have a certain window of the heart.
Through that window, we can look at our past mistakes and misfortunes. There
will be a long, endless list of our mistakes. Through the window of our hearts,
we will realize how awful sinners we are. We will be able to forgive some of
our mistakes. However, many of them may be too shameful, dark, and even
cowardly and deceitful that we just want to cover them up. But they are not material things that would
decompose and perish away after some time. They remain hidden somewhere, and
sometimes prove their undiminishing nature when something triggers them out.
Those past mistakes linger and torment us. We can pray and repent, yet they
come back again to torture us. How can
we amend many shameful scars from the past mistakes? We won’t be able to
escape from them unless there is God’s love found in our endless prayer and repentance. When we
are “reborn as a new family of Jesus, in whom our mistakes become our honor,” only
then we will be able to achieve a true peace with our past. As such, our prayer
will continue by looking back on the past.
6. To keep the root or identity – It has been almost 50 years since I moved to the United
States. The immigration itself was a great change, and several significant
transitions also passed rapidly through my life as an immigrant. My single life
became a married life, which was followed by parenthood then grandparenthood. I
have gone through several different jobs, and now I am retired from my
profession. Such transitions always seem endless, internally and externally. As
I go through many transition in my life as an immigrant and a member of several
social sectors I belong to, it has brought substantial confusion to my root and
identity. Where am I truly rooted? Where in the world do I belong, and what is
my identity? When I experience such confusion, I look back in time. Then the
reminiscence and memories would calm me down; they confirm my root, and
solidify my identity. The recollections I have most often are the happy
memories I had when I was about 8 years old. Among them is the memory I had in
the traditional Korean manor of my grandparents who had lived there until about
60 years ago. Some of the memories include sitting on the big hallway of that
old traditional manor, playing with a puppy, looking at the ground cherries
blossoming in the yard, driving the flock of ducks and playing with them at a
creek, kind and thoughtful faces of my grandparents, and my aunts and uncles
who would play and have fun with me.
Whenever I recall those memories, it makes me feel like I go through a
new delightful experience and livens up my day. It also instills me with the
reckless courage I had when I was young. I have recently illustrated these
memories into a poem below.
The Old House at the Old
Castle Ruin
Seongbuk-dong, the town
north of the castle
There stands an old
Korean manor at the foothill of the old ruin
The boudoir, lounge,
guestroom, and other rooms that b
The boudoir- the hall
between the guestrooms
The guestroom- the
library between the lounges
Toward the boudoir are
three hearths and cauldrons in the kitchen
The rooms surround the
squared yard
Filled with scents of
garden balsam, ground cherry, lush lilac, and acacia
The steaming well next to
kitchen in the winter
The old roof tiles with
raveling moss and grass
In the old house of my
grandparents 60 years ago
A boy falls in love with
this house since he’s seven
And take the train by
himself for a journey 10-mile long
Two grandmothers giving
their overflowing love
The love of grandfather
like a calm sea
The aunties and uncles
who play with me
What is a prince for when
everybody welcomes me?
The rooster flapping its
wings at dawn
The hens nesting under
the shades of the towering pine tree in the backyard
Spotty scratches out
fleas underneath the hallway
The boy drives the flock
of ducks and bathes in a creek
And the long summer
evening awaits him
The chopping on the
cutting board trails away in the kitchen
The sounds of the laundry
bats fades away in the hallway
Yet the light from the
lounge and library
Seeps through the window
paper
Coughing of Grandfather
escapes the window paper
The night grows late and
quite
Yet the boy hears the
sound of his grandfather writing
Waking up from the deep
sleep
The boy worries about his
awake grandfather
The worry becomes the
dream
And in the dream he feels
the breath of his grandfather
In whose arms the boy
sleeps
The hill behind the old
castle ruin is lush with greens
I climbed up the trail
and looked down
To see the hill in the
front and Samseon Bridge
My heart still remains
there
Asking for my sweet
grandmother and grandfather
It always climbs on the
hill
Looking down on the hill
Looking for the faces I
long for
Listening to the voices I
long for
Ah, How I miss that old
house at the old castle ruin,
The house that had faded
into the time
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